The most important relationship comes from within — and I’m here to help you activate it.

You are reading this, because now you are ready to know/remember who you are. As my teacher Stefanos Sifandos says, “We are relational beings.” We are in relationship to everyone and everything, receiving constant feedback from our environment which is reaffirming who we think we are, for better or worse.

What if I told you that you were much greater then you think, much greater then what you are feeling, and so much greater then what is happening in your life right now? Are you willing to look at yourself, feel the pain, and embrace the fear of the unknown?

That is what I chose to do, well more like pushed by life…off a metaphorical cliff into the vast unknown. Becoming a coach was not my intention. I was led by a series of life’s events that at first brought me to my knees, but ultimately was exactly what I needed to be able to lead you, back to you.

First by losing myself.

I was told indirectly from a young age that I wasn’t enough, my father left when I was 3, and my loving mother was insanely controlling. Suffocating me with what I could and couldn’t do, who I could be friends with, what I could listen to, say or couldn’t say, filling me with shame and guilt. This was a constant reminder that I wasn’t accepted or enough. It didn’t matter if I told the truth or lied the punishment was the same. I was abused physically and manipulated with threating ultimatums on a regular basis. This isn’t me saying I had terrible parents, on the contrary. I was gifted two beautiful humans to guide me, doing the best they could with what they had. I am explaining what my experience was growing up and what made me, well…me.

My father wasn’t around much and was emotionally avoidant. During this period of time he operated from a constant state of fear. I adopted these patterns and more from my parents and even though it created immense obstacles in my life it also gave me the opportunity to overcome them.

I was told I wasn’t as smart as other kids and was held back in school. I couldn’t read, spell, or sit still long enough to even want to try. I grew up with authority figures as my oppressor (that was the story at the time) and rebelled once I had no other option available to me. Rebellion quickly became my protection and apart of my identity. As a rebel I was met with judgment and I felt a sense of alienation.

I went from school to school afraid of not being accepted and not having many friends. I lacked direction and guidance. I wasn’t gifted with any form of initiation into being a man. And I lacked like so many other men, a safe place to express myself. This obviously played out in all aspects of my life. Most notable was in how I related to others, specifically in romantic relationships. I yearned to be loved and accepted, but my environment didn’t allow for it. Because of this love wasn’t safe for me to feel and express. The hard truth is that even if I was being loved I didn’t feel safe in my body. So I wasn’t able to see it, believe it, or receive it. I didn’t have that level of awareness then, so it looked like me shutting down and being confused in what I wanted.

Let’s talk about dating. I had multiple situations and relationships that shook me to my core. I wasn’t shown healthy ways of relating and so I stumbled around relationships. All of this was coming from an identity that wasn’t even mine, I was projecting a version of me I had created to protect myself. I would go one direction, experience profound pain, wall myself up and go in the opposite direction. This led to a pattern or cycle where I was stuck on the proverbial hamster wheel. I have loved, but I didn’t ever allow for myself to be loved, because of all the protection I had built up over a life time.

I didn’t have a girlfriend till I was 17. In high-school I finally found some courage and asked a girl out. Truthfully I couldn’t hold what it was to be in a relationship in anyway. When your young like that I don’t think anyone expects you to, but I was a hopeless romantic. I tried my best, but I was insecure, volatile, and judgmental. The end of the relationship destroyed all of my stories I had about myself. This led me to deepen and explore more of myself and others. If I could see the danger coming I would be better equipped to save myself from pain. It was a 5 year journey of processing a crippling pain that had me literally on the floor. I would have more then a few moments like this on my journey.

I joined the military, wanting to be a living sacrifice. The truth is I was suicidal, hoping I would get killed in combat being of service. I thought it would bring some purpose to my internal suffering and also end it.

I became addicted to drugs and alcohol looking for anything to lessen the pain. I had felt so alone for the majority of my life. Even though being alone was my greatest pain it was ultimately where I felt the safest. Even though it hurt at least it was a pain I was familiar with. So on an unconscious level I kept numbing the pain with my addictions.

I was molested by a man in my early 20’s and experienced sexual abuse from women I was involved with. I felt I couldn’t trust love and I couldn’t trust intimacy. Worst of all I couldn’t trust myself to know how. I had so many examples in my life that had proven to me that intimacy or any form of love was going to hurt me or leave me.

I dealt with what I now know is body dysmorphia trying to change my outward appearance to look better then I felt, but none of it was ever good enough, because I didn’t feel good enough. Another one of my teachers Preston Smiles would say, I was “playing an outside in game rather than an inside out game.” So no matter what my external environment was showing me, my internal world couldn’t receive it “good” or “bad.”

Because of this sate of dis-ease I was diagnosed with an auto immune condition. I lost all my hard fought for weight and was a few heart beats away from going into cardiac arrest on the daily. This is where changing what I ate changed and I leaned into trusting a higher power. My only options were pills for life or surgery. Spoiler, I didn’t do either and no longer have the condition I was told was “incurable.” I won’t get supper into details, but I do want to share that our emotions if not nurtured and processed will inevitably manifest as disease. And if the mind can create disease it can also heal. My doc at the time said I wasn’t able to say what she told me that day because it was looked down on by the sick care community. She said, “It’s a miracle” now we have medical terms such as “spontaneous remission” either way I am talking about something profound and medically in-explainable.

I went back to spending a lot of my time and effort getting my body back. My friends were lifting weights and doing steroids, so I quickly followed suit. I quickly became a 205lb stud, literally ripping out of my skin. This wasn’t a sustainable way of living and I over time became burnt out. I then went from working out everyday to not working out for years. I transitioned from 205lbs of muscle to 205lbs of fat and stretching out of my skin from being obese. Through these transitions I couldn’t ever see a change and it’s still challenging at times to come face to face with who I see in the mirror.

This was mostly taking place in my teens and twenties. In my late twenties I was in a 4 year relationship. I was still closed off and even though I cherished this person, our relationship splintered and fell apart. To deal with this rejection I leaned in harder to my coping mechanisms. One day I woke up from a drug induced haze and realized I was stuck in an unchanging environment. I had been in multiple relationships and all of them ended the same. I was emotionally distant, and when things would spiral I would pick up any substance that lessened the pain so I wouldn’t be forced to have to look at it. Once again I wasn’t aware of this at the time, I just knew something needed to change.

I was craving change desperately. First I was overcome with emotions I had suppressed for over a year and I went through a process that lasted for months. Funny enough I teach these processes in my coaching now. All it took was me breaking and dying to myself over and over again. No pressure…

I was now committed to my journey of self exploration into the unknown. It was unfamiliar and uncomfortable. I left my friends and family and set off on an adventure to find myself. I was homeless, jobless, and asked myself often “What am I doing?” Even though this was challenging I felt free possibly for the first time. Free from my old story, free from judgment of those around me, and free from what I was expected to do. I could just be me, I could finally breath.

Through trial and error I was peeling back layer after layer reveling more and more of myself. I was sleeping under the stars in the desert, bathing in the ocean, hiking in the Rocky Mountains and learning new skills. Basically doing what ever I wanted to do and everything I was told I wouldn’t be able to. This sense of adventure was exciting, but I was still alone. It had been about two years sense my last relationship and I felt I was ready to step out into the dating world. Oh how wrong I was! As I entered into the dating seen I found myself allowing mistreatment and was used on multiple occasions for sex and manipulated consistently. After all this work towards myself I still didn’t feel worthy of love so I allowed for mistreatment rather then opt for rejection.

I quickly went back to what was safe for me which was being alone. I got back into the gym, started training jiu-jitsu again, I started to feel good about myself, more pep in my step, smile on my face, and a sense of gratitude for everyday life. And then the universe smacked me across the face with a cosmic board. I met a beautiful woman who I love dearly. We were together for a short time and moved in together. She checked every box, incredibly intelligent, funny, prioritized her health, was spiritual, driven, meditated, did yoga, lead a woman’s group, and hundreds of other things I absolutely adored.

I couldn’t believe it, “could this be it, could this be the one?”

I was still in my pattern of being avoidant, but for the first time I started to feel safe to open up. I focused on being honest and bringing what I could the best I could. I opened my heart and was scared out of my mind. When I finally admitted I loved her it was already the end. She had found out she was pregnant and this made her realize that she no longer wanted to be with me. She said she found someone else and within a week everything changed. I had done it, I had finally fallen and it was right into a deep pit of pain, shame, judgement, and abandonment. Once I found out about the baby I was threatened and told all the things I didn’t want to hear. It’s one thing to not feel enough, I promise you it hits different when you hear it from the lips of the person you love most.

I hadn’t even moved out yet and she was already with the other guy. She aborted our child and just like that everything I ever wanted was gone and every fear I was hoping I would never experience was right in my face. Not even a full year later they were pregnant and getting married. I don’t know how to express everything I was feeling then, but I do know that who ever I was then in that moment died.

I reached my absolute end and I didn’t know what to do. So I reached out, I knew I wanted to change and it was obvious I needed help. I went to therapy once a week for years and just like that I was completely fixed and everything has been perfect ever sense!

All jokes aside what is really interesting is that from that point of falling apart all the pieces started to fall into place. I didn’t know where they were falling and there is no other way to describe it other then I was being guided. Now if you’ve read this far and have browsed through this site you will probably pick up that I believe in something greater then myself. This higher power if you will can be described and experienced in many ways none of which I would pretend to understand. And in the same sentence I feel comfortable saying I have experienced it. I experienced it in church as a child, I felt it when I would open my heart during a conversation with a friend. I've witnessed it heal my body and guide me in everyday life. It’s felt like the pause in-between breaths and it has led me to this place to be here now.

That same force has led me to pick up the title Relationship coach. We are so much more then the identities we subscribe to or place on ourselves. Yet I am here to help you deepen your love. To help you connect to your desires in all forms of your relationships.

It’s my desire to be there for anyone who is still trying to figure that out. To help heal the wounds we all have and to embrace the one hurting. If you're like me and feel you need help I am glad to be of service!